A Geek Bride’s Guide on How to Geek Your Bride

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Okay, let’s face facts, boys, you’ve all said some variation of “Damn, I wish my wife would go fishing with me” or “I wish my girlfriend understood the difference between Star Trek and Star Wars.” or “Why can’t my wife understand why I simply can’t get rid of my Millenium Falcon toy just because I’m turning 40?” or “I hate it when she starts rolling her eyes whenever I tell her why I would rather have the superpower of invisibility rather than telepathy (trust me, she knows why and knows it involves a girls locker room).” How about “why do her eyes glaze over whenever I start talking about Camaros?” or “why does she have to constantly nag me about playing videos games, I need to do that to decompress after a shitty day at work?”

Here’s the scoop. Whether you are a sci fi fanatic, an outdoorsman, a gear head, a micro-brewer, a gamer, or just really passionate about electronics, time travel, string theory, how cheese is made, or adamant about your theory about how Wolverine would crush the Green Arrow in some alternate verse where DC and Marvel collide (shiver of horror), you probably think she doesn’t care. And guess what? That’s because she doesn’t.

BUT, if it is important to you to snag a wife that actually kinda gets what gets you going, then you, my friend, either keep looking for someone different OR learn how to geek your bride. Let’s face it, you probably love her for all kinds of other things….her eyes, her giggle, the way her boobies fill out her sweater, the fact that she puts up with your shit, and of course, how smushy and soft she feels when you cuddle on the couch. So, if you found someone you like and isn’t repulsed by you, keep her. And then, of course, geek her.

Obvious disclaimer, these are just some observations, including things my manly geek did right that got me heading in the geek direction, things he totally botched that made me wanna run in the opposite direction, and things I noticed I was thinking or doing. And just a few of my ideas because I’m fairly clever and had extra coffee today. Also, I am almost an expert on this topic because I am married to the man who has the MOST HOBBIES AND INTERESTS IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING MILKY WAY. I also know that is a galaxy and not just a candy bar, which only adds to my credibility.

So, here’s some tips. (For the game we all like to play, just the tip…)

1. Learn more about what she likes. Yep. I don’t care if it seems pointless to learn about opera or going to the beach or all the different kinds of shoes. If you show an interest in what she likes and learn more about it, you might find that she will return the favor. Also, you need to learn what she likes because you may find that there are some comparable thing in your geeky world that she might kinda like. Figure out what makes her tick. Because you love her AND because this will be helpful information for your future manipulative methods. Example: I never fished growing up, never cared to, BUT Aaron quickly discovered that I love to be outdoors, camping, hiking, etc. I ALSO love to read books. I ALSO love, fricking love to lay out and get an kickass tan. What do all of those easily translate into? A day on the boat floating down the river…he’s catching fish, I’m catching rays while reading about a murdering butler. Or rowing.

2. Be passionate, but never pushy, about what you love.. When you talk about what you love to do, don’t just talk about it as “something to do.” Talk about it with passion, let your eyes light up with glee, get all animated, let the goofy grin beam. For one, a passionate man is fucking sexy. I am most likely to want to jump Aaron’s bones when he is all passionate about the life cycle of a mayfly AND that he is so passionate about me that he wants to share it with me. I first “fell in love” (if you believe a such a ridiculous concept) with him when he was excitedly telling me some long drawn out but hilarious story about mishaps fishing with his Gramps. I sat there watching him talk and gesture and I suddenly thought, “oh shit, I’m gonna marry this man.” So, keep sharing the excitement, it’s contagious, BUT don’t always be pushing her to be as excited about it as you are. Give her time..she might get more interested, might wanna try it, but if you push, she will back away (or perhaps run away in horror and disgust). Pushing equals pressure and we all hate pressure.

3. Start slow and be tricksy about it. Once you have some data about what she likes, what gets her all excited, and how she responds to the things you are passionate about, start slow, but apply your tricksy manipulation skills (don’t even pretend that only girls have these skills…chicks tend to have better intuition but it’s really just collecting data and analyzing it at a superhero level of speed and effectiveness because YOU men have the superpower of being able to open that fucking jar of pickles….seriously, HOW do you guys do that?!?!). If she likes sitcoms or dramas on TV/movies, start her out on some scifi shows that are more relational based, that develop the characters early on. This is why I LOVE shows like Buffy and Firefly. Also consider what kind of qualities she admires in people….it will help you figure out what characters she might identify with. I promise you, if she can’t identify with at least one character in a show or game or comic, she won’t give a shit. As far as hobbies go, the same applies, what is a good match for her interests? If she hates getting dirty, your hobby of mud bogging might take some serious creativity to spin correctly. You are going have to try a few different things, different ways of making whatever you are doing enticing to her. But be patient and be creative. Also analyze her responses to your attempts….this is more data. Don’t get discouraged, but go…Slow. Stay out of warp speed here. That’s a good way to burn out your hyperdrive.

4. Never make her have to compete for your attention. Ok, so be passionate about it and try to get her involved (slowly), but never make her feel like your interest or hobby or passion is her competition. This should be clear to her simply from the fact that you are trying to include her, but well, us girls pretty much hate ourselves and assume that you don’t really want to be around us that much. When you come home from a long day at work, and go straight to your mancave to play video games to unwind, she thinks you are avoiding her. Frankly, you might be, simply because we all need time alone, BUT make her feel noticed, appreciated and all purty before you disappear into your holodeck. Also, make sure that you help out with shit before disappearing. Help with dinner (hell, cook dinner), ask her about her day, tell her she looks fucking delicious in her ripped yoga pants, blah, blah, blah. You know, all that Oprah kinda shit. ALSO, if you take time to be with her for a bit, you might find that she would be up for doing something cool and geeky with you, but might need to wait until the kids are in bed or she properly bitches about her boss or gets a glass or 5 of wine in her system.

5. Never EVER, not in a million fucking years nor in any fucking galaxy, EVER make her feel stupid about her attempts. So, hopefully, eventually, she will try some geek activities with you. BUT if/when she does, she isn’t going to “get it” like you do. She might not be awesome at fishing at first, she might not grasp the concept of carburetion versus fuel injection, and the idea of time travel might really piss her off. WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T roll your eyes, DON’T tell her she’s doing it wrong (even if she is, and she will), DON’T make big sighs of frustration, DON’Tlaugh at her, and DON’T say “Oh well, not everyone gets it” and then look sad. I don’t give a flying piece of fuck how bad she is at this, how much she doesn’t understand the Force, or how much she asks dumb questions about alternate dimensions (FYI; there is no dumb question about alternate dimensions….there’s just so much we don’t know), do NOT make her feel stupid. If you do, she will never try it again, she will probably work harder to get YOU to stop doing it yourself, and IT WILL ALL BE YOUR FAULT! Because you are a dumb ass.

6. Please remember that she is not “one of the guys” (yet) and compliment the shit out of that girl. This is the flipside of don’t make her feel stupid. This is hard at first to remember, but she really isn’t one of the guys (yet), so don’t treat her like one (yet). Guys like to give each other shit, girls hate this. Seriously. It makes us cry and want to eat more chocolate. Instead, tell what she is doing right, if you need to give her instruction, do it in a way that makes her feel comfortable (like “oh, I see what you are doing wrong…I kept doing that all that time at first too.”), give her crazy amounts of kudos for doing it in the first place, etc. Once she gets more comfortable, then you might be able to tease her a bit more, but again, monitor her responses and apply the data.

7. Watch for signs of boredom. Seriously, if you got your hot wife to go do your thing with you and have, please,as soon as she gets bored, STOP! I cannot emphasize this enough. I cannot tell you how many times Aaron has gotten so excited about me fishing with him or watching Farscape him that he forgets that my threshold for boredom is much much sooner than his. TAKE HER HOME before it gets too late! (you might wanna feed her too, it helps with the irritability.) Boredom quickly turns into misery. And misery turns into never fucking doing that again. I’m not kidding about this. I despise ice fishing because of this. I actually enjoy it for about 2 hours and then we always stay until fucking spring so now I just simply hate it.

8. Provide snacks. Aaron and I always joke that I’ll do anything or go anywhere if there are nachos. This comes from years of Aaron saying, “hey, do you wanna go to a baseball game (which I hate)?” and me responding, “Will there be nachos?” I really like nachos. Find out what your hot goddess likes and use it. This is bribery at its best.

9. Don’t give her crap about how she wants to spend her own time and her money. Guess what? You spend money on hobbies too. You spend time killing zombies when you should be mowing the lawn. Get over it. Let her go get her nails done, or shop all day, plant flowers in the garden, go to the opera even though everyone knows Juliet dies in the end (spoiler alert..so does Romeo.), or sit in the hammock reading Agatha Christie novels even though she has read each of them like 13 times. Ever heard of Pinterest? Apparently, it’s a thing. Let her do it and don’t make fun of the fact that none of us really know what it does or how to say it.

10. If she doesn’t geekify to the extreme you would love her to geekify, love her anyway. C’mon, really, being able to share some interests and hobbies and have some fun together is really awesome. It’s all kinds of lovely fertilizer for gooey feelings of love. BUT, they don’t have to be all the same things and all the time. Each individual in a couple is just that, an individual. Love her for that sexy individuality. Compliment the heck out of what you love, and deal with what you don’t love quite as much. Trust me, she’s doing the same thing for you.

I know there’s probably more, but I need to race home and finish up Season 6 of Buffy.

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