I am so tired of what I do today. The front lines. It’s so smelly, nasty, chaotic, and loud here. I crave peace, quiet, and calm breezes today. I’m tired of my office stinking like cigarettes and body odor, with the whiff of alcohol in the air (on people’s breath, not waiting in a lovely glass of wine for me). I’m tired of dealing with the poor, the downtrodden, the stinky, and the dumb. I know, I know, have some compassion, Stace. But really, anyone knows me knows that I have been generally brimming over with compassion all my life. I have a soft heart. I really do care. I really do hurt for people. I really do wanna help. But I’m really tired of wondering if I am doing any good at all. Wondering why I offer help and get resistance instead. Why do these people repeatedly fall back into the same destructive patterns over and over again? Despite my immense wisdom and knowledgeable advice and beating bleeding heart.
And there it is. I just said it…”these people.”
What do we all really mean when we say “these people?” We mean those who we think are oh so much different than us. Right. Those people who can’t get their shit together despite all the help they are handed. Those people who aren’t as smart as me, or as clean as me, or as responsible as me. What I really mean is those who I think aren’t capable enough to do anything right, to make anything out of their lives, who can’t survive without my help, those who need me to rescue them, but who are never grateful to me for pulling them up and saving them.
Seriously, being a superhero is so friggin exhausting. There’s no thanks, no recognition, until maybe way after you’re dead and gone, someone might erect a statue in your image (and when they do, they damn well better make me look thinner with perky breasts) and people are always misunderstanding you. It’s a lonely world. Exasperated sigh.
And I’ve never been so full of shit.
I’m in the business of potential. I see potential all around me. Always have. Pray to the big sister in the sky that I always will. Sometimes I forget. In our worlds, we are surrounded by weakness, depravity, fear, despair, stupidity, selfishness, and deficit. We see it others, we see it in ourselves. But if we stop there and don’t notice the strength, the tenacity, the courage, the hope, the determination, the sacrifice, and the potential, we only rob ourselves of experiencing it. And frankly, I can’t survive that way. I wouldn’t want to.
It’s much harder to see it today than it was yesterday. I don’t know why. Maybe I didn’t get enough sleep last night, maybe I didn’t eat enough breakfast this morning, maybe my whole pot of coffee is not oozing it’s normal magical powers like usual, maybe more people yelled at me today than yesterday, maybe I just woke up not giving a shit today. Dunno.
Whatever the reason, I can’t stay here. I have beauty to see, wonder to experience, potential to watch grow into amazing. I don’t know if I can see it today. But I will look for it. In others. In myself.