Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Odd Geometric Print Bikini.

2014-06-08 12.56.45I have a story about this bikini…..this is my ugly but lots of support one, so I wore it under my hiking clothes on a long hike one day.  After my hike, I was sweaty and gross and wanted desperately to go jump into the lake.  I’ve always wanted to be able to wear a bikini under my clothes (without having to wear a dress over my bottoms because I always wore a skirt bottom to cover my giant ass).  Anyway, I drove straight to the lake, grabbed my towel, and marched confidently to the water……then froze with fear.  Literally paralyzed, sitting by the lake thinking “OMG, there are too many people here, they are gonna point and stare and snicker.”  There were at least a dozen people there.   And then I thought “I really have a responsibility to society to cover up more than what I’m wearing under these clothes…NO ONE wants to see this!”  Continued to sit there in terror.  AND then THE WORST THING EVER HAPPENED!   Right then, a pontoon boat FULL OF HOT MEN pulled up.  Seriously, I’m positive none of them will want to see this ample white ass shaking it’s way to the water.  OMG.  Still paralyzed, now ready to bawl.   At this point, I”m feeling so insecure I don’t even wanna get up to walk to my car….”maybe I can sit here until dark and no one will notice?”  Sigh. But I knew I would never forgive myself if I lost this battle against my inner timid fat little girl.  Thought about how badly I needed a shot of tequila and someone to cue the stripper music.  Then I did it for myself.  I imagined myself slamming a tequila shot, I stood my ample ass up, shimmied out of my pants, started playing Queen’s “Fat Bottom Girls” in my head, stripped my “got curves” tank top off as seductively as I could, turned towards the water, took my ponytail out and shook my unruly blonde hair out total hot girls in music video style while walking, NAY….while SASHAYING my way into the lake (still listening to Queen in my head) and plunged in.  After dipping into the lake a bit, I looked back at shore with trepidation and noticed….that no one noticed me.  No one stared, no one pointed, no one snickered, no one cared.  And I cried.  Out of relief, out of joy, out of sheer ecstasy that I had conquered yet another fear.  I am fucking woman.  Hear me roar.  (And splash around a bit in sheer glee).

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One thought on “Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Odd Geometric Print Bikini.

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